Tag: grandchildren

Outwitting The Difficult Child

by Helping Families Flourish, posted in Flourishing Article

Originally published in Flourishing January 2012

The worst thing that can befall any parent is to outlive one of their children. In that regard, Linda and I have been very lucky, and a day does not pass, but that we give thanks.

I believe that it’s equally sad when a parent or grandparent has given up on their child or grandchild. This is perhaps a more common tragedy. Thankfully, we have not had that experience, either; but at times, we have had serious communication gaps.

I’m neither a psychologist nor family therapist, but here is what I think I’ve learned:

When you feel your child is shutting you out, or just talking past you; that child may be telling you something important about your own communication habits. Please know that I’m telling you this as a friend, and as a serial offender: That child may be, in effect, your family’s Jiminy Cricket.

From more than twenty years of working closely with hundreds of families, I’ve concluded that a key to the success of flourishing families is their ability to extend unconditional love, and to convey an unconditional commitment to listen non-judgmentally.

So, if you’re considering giving up on your child or grandchild, you might want, instead, to step back and ask yourself, “What message am I missing—and what opportunity is our family forfeiting—because I’m not willing to listen and learn?”  mh 

HT:  John A. Warnick, http://johnawarnick.typepad.com/seedlings

Your Personality is Important, Pass It On

by Helping Families Flourish, posted in Flourishing Article

Originally published in Flourishing December 2010.

You have things in your home that are important to you, not just for their tangible value, but for their intangible or symbolic value, for the memories attached to them, the stories, too, perhaps.

In my case, I have pictures and letters dating back to the mid-19th century and a dictionary owned by my mother’s grandfather. They have no monetary value, but I have in my mind the stories that my mother shared with me. I know those people. I understand who they were and, more importantly, they’ve provided me with insights into the person I am.

I have evidence of our children’s and grandchildren’s childhood creativity and achievements, their school pictures, and much more. Someday, I think and hope, they’ll appreciate the love that Linda has put into preserving the spirit of their youth. They, too, may gain insight into the development of their own personalities and interests.

I have a ring that belonged to my father’s mother. Violet Nestelrode Harvey died in 1924, when my father was just six years old. I have pictures of her, too. I cherish these things, because I can see that she was a loving and caring mother, profoundly missed by my father and his two younger brothers, Forrest and George. I can now understand the effect her premature death had on their lives and their personalities, and they on mine.

As I approach my dotage, all these things are more treasured than ever, and someday, I believe, they’ll be treasured by others who share my lineage. All have a story attached to them. My siblings and I have taken it as our responsibility to preserve those stories, as well as the artifacts, for the people we must someday leave behind. We’re working on that right now.

Let me ask you: What are those treasured things in your life, and what meaning or story is associated with them? What is the most significant object or heirloom that was given to you by a child, a parent, your spouse, or an ancestor? Did the person who gave you this object or heirloom tell you a story about that item? Can you—will you—share a story of remembrance or gratitude with those who will inherit these things from you?

Can you—will you—share your personality with those members of your family who will otherwise never know you? Do it for them. It will, I promise, bring new joy and understanding into your own life. mh

7 Lessons for My Grandchildren

by Helping Families Flourish, posted in Flourishing Article

Originally published in Flourishing October 2010.

My grandchildren are back in school. Their preparations have moved me to consider what they should learn. Here are seven lessons that come to mind:

First, everyone should study the lives of George Washington and Mohandas Gandhi. Both were men of self-made character, and each won the unfailing loyalty of his followers by his willingness to accept responsibility for being a grown-up. Each was willing to speak truth to power. Each was willing to act in accordance with his most deeply held beliefs. Each led the way to free minds and free markets.

Second, learn to use a dictionary, and develop the habit of defining your terms. Demand that others define theirs. “What do I (you) mean when I (you) say______?” The answers may surprise you, and, at a minimum, give you the advantage of knowing what you’re talking about (hearing).

Respect boundaries, including your own. That’s lesson number three. Everything belongs to somebody. Everyone’s life, time, and property are his own – families, friends, gangs, and governments, notwithstanding. Sharing and trading, certainly – but always by mutual consent; never initiate the use of force.

Actions have consequences. That’s lesson four, and its corollary is: There is a reason for everything.

Lesson five: You never have “nothing to do”. Wasted time is premature death. Think back to your best day, and strive to live at that level or higher every day from now on.

Lesson six: Help the deserving – and be deserving of help.

Lesson seven: Have a mighty purpose and set meaningful goals. If someone tells you he has no purpose, no goals, no struggles, and no worries – check his pulse. He’s a dead man walking. Tell him, “Here’s a goal for you: Earn my respect! Or better yet, earn your own respect!”

These lessons are not all-inclusive. They are a start and possibly a life’s work for those who want to reach their fullest potential. Oh! I just thought of another lesson, and I’d better get to it: Don’t tell, show! mh